Water, Water Everywhere

The last day of our trip, we went to the water park. Me, Hubs, The Boy, Good SIL (not to be confused with previously mentioned Evil SIL - this one is my brother’s wife and she’s a doll) and one of SIL’s boys. It was hot and sunny and an all around beautiful day.

The boys immediately took off for the slides. SIL was meeting us, as she had to taxi the other son to football practice. Hubs and I sat for a few minutes before the 94 degrees called for cooling off. We grabbed tubes and headed up the stairs to a slide. At the top you had a choice - two tubes that you blindly ride down on your ass, or the bigger slide that you use a tube. The latter was obviously my choice for several important reasons. 1) I am blind in the sun without sunglasses. This ride allows you to keep them on. 2) No full submersions at the end, preventing the recycled filth water from filling your nasal and oral cavities. 3) This one is important - you ride in a tube. Which means no inadvertent enemas should your carefully crossed ankles be ripped apart by the sheer force of the twists and turns of the blind tubes dumping you ass-first into the churning basin at the bottom. Not that it's not fun, for sure.

photo credit: Wild Island

Green slide on the left - great fun. Red & Blue on right - keep your ankles crossed.

 

Then we wandered over to the lazy river. Unfortunately there was a line waiting for tubes and it was, at that moment, filled with preteens drawing frequent whistles from the lifeguards for trying to dump each other off their tubes.

“How about the wave pool?” Hubs suggested.

“Ugh. It’s a cesspool of pee,” I cried.

“Nah,” he said with good humor, “the waves wash it all away.”

“Hmph. All the waves do is stir it all up again once it’s settled,” I snarked back.

We walked over to it just as the buzzer went off indicating the waves were starting. Hubs trudged out neck deep to “float” in the waves, while I stood knee deep letting them splash my legs. (It did feel good, but I wasn't admitting it.)

As I watched the overcrowded, packed cesspool, I decided everyone in the pool was 10. Because if they were younger than 10, they would surely drown as the 10 year olds flipped and flopped, in, over and under their oversized tubes, oblivious to anyone around them being smacked by said tubes. And if they were older than 10, they would surely be overcome with the desire to strangle the 10 year olds smacking them in the head by flipping and flopping in, over and under their oversized tubes, oblivious to anyone around them.

As the waves quieted down, I decided I should go reapply sunscreen.

After SIL met up with us, we did get into the lazy river and happily floated several circuits. They even had a bar in the middle. We resisted, but it wasn't easy.

And then there is the Toilet Bowl. Yeah, okay, they don't call it that. They call the Eye of the Dragon. Whatever, it's a toilet bowl. It is pure awesomesauce. I have experienced that ride before and I have to say there is nothing quite like it. You and an unwilling partner, sit in a double tube and fall down into a huge bowl, where you swirl around and around and around, getting closer to the black hole in the bottom, where you are eventually sucked down through a tube and shat out the other end. I kid you not. It’s totally awesome to be a human turd at a water park. I know I’m being incredibly snarky, but it REALLY is a blast!


A frozen banana dipped in chocolate and a nice little bit of a tan later, we went home with five bodies greasy with sunscreen, two tired boys, a heap of wet towels and a happy, contented contingent.

***Ally
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